There was an unusually large brood of a certain type of insect this season. Their young would burrow into a victim’s ears or genitals, make their way into the intestines, and mate there; by the next season, the victim will burst with their eggs, often suffering excruciating pain throughout. Because nothing could or ever will be done for this type of parasite, the men had to camp for quite a long time.
As they were cut from supply lines, the men drew lots as to who would be eaten first. The men hoped our hero would be drawn first. Fortunately, he drew the second-longest straw. If he had been drawn the longest straw, they would have concluded the uselessness of the exercise and devoured him first. As it happened, the distinguished gentleman drew the longest.
Without dice, they resorted to telling stories to cure their boredom, but very boring people only have boring stories, as the goings-on of their dogs, misadventures with women, things their physician say they should do and refrain from, and meaningless advice concerning money from the wisdom of those who have never had any.
Only the distinguished gentleman, who possessed enough wealth to have leisure, had interesting stories. He told a story of another campaign where he was captured by a lord and taken prisoner; upon finding out his virtues, made him slave; how he outwitted the lord constantly and yet became his most trusted confidante; his sexual activities with every one of the lord’s wives and daughters; finally the escape with the lord’s loot on the back of a drake, and a lovely lady in each hand. I will leave you to decide, dear reader, whether you believe the man’s stories, but the men were greatly impressed by the stories, as they ate their daily allotment of human stew, and the distinguished gentleman concluded that every life is full of misfortune and every man has his day as a slave and as a warrior.
The last part was debated, as the men there had spent all of their lives hitherto as slaves. To which the gentleman reasoned:
“The gods make slaves of men and the gods make nobles of men. I was made noble and you were made slaves. This is a good, just and kind thing they have bestowed on us.
“For you can give a man wealth and access to everything he can see, and he will still be unhappy. Purpose is what drives men. It is your purpose to serve me, and it is my purpose to rule over you. That is why the gods made you strong and brave, while they made me wise, intelligent, wealthy, and good-looking. And because the gods are great, they made my life more worthy and worthwhile than yours, as there are fewer men like me.
“Without this order, there would be no walls, or homes, or swords to defend them. There would not even be a scrap of food to eat. Who would make them unless I gave the order to do so?
“You should thus be happy to be slaves, as the gods have given you a singular purpose in life. Myself, I find I can do so many more things than you can, and I am astounded and confused by their multitude. Oh, if only I were born a slave!”
This was a reasonable argument, and the men went on happily eating one another and telling stories.
Soon, the distinguished gentleman became ill; he micturated blood and felt pain in his abdomen. He found the dried pupae of the insect aforementioned in his stool.
Because he was wise, he did not tell his men there was in fact a cure for this disease – for if the miserable and many knew of cures, they would know hope and therefore despair – but to acquire this he needed to return to the city.
He thus ordered them to take him to the city. They argued there was no hope in helping a dead man.
He argued that, due to his noble blood, his will needed to be followed by mandate of the gods. They argued that, seeing his noble body was given to death, the gods’ mandate was very clear.
He argued that he wished to see his wives and children before he was to die, and won’t they take pity on the poor soul? But they would be unable to give that pity if they themselves were to die.
He then argued that their actions amounted to insubordination, and that they would be executed upon their betrayal being found out. The men looked at each other; they asked, Who, among the living by day’s end, will tell?; no one raised his hand, except for our hero, and this same hand was slapped down.
Their stomachs then argued that it was the time of the day for food. Because they were honorable men, they respected the lottery and ate the man with the shortest straw. However, it was getting a bit drafty, so they killed the distinguished gentlemen for leather. They roasted the eggs as a snack.
This gave them an idea. They feared revenge by a commander when reinforcements arrived, regardless of the story they told him. A tailor among them who was very skilled in his craft created a costume out of the distinguished gentleman’s skin. It happened that our hero was the same height as the gentleman, and the surcoat hid the size of his belly. This is how our hero became a general overnight.
© 2025 François-Marie Lee