Chapter 2

Our hero was rinsed in light. He felt his body soar through space, through time, through consequence, to a destination he knew not, because he had not been listening.

He thought only of his new life. What he most wanted to be was an adventurer, the kind he often read about in books and saw in movies. These were strapping young men, strong, well-traveled, who searched the ends of the earth for knowledge and treasure, and often met bosomy women in very thin clothing, some pure, some dangerous, but all finding the hero irresistible. This kind of life was so good he was surprised it was virtually nonexistent in the prior world.

Or, as often happens in this genre, he would be reborn as some kind of fantastical being, perhaps a monster, a goblin, a living slime, or a spider. Oppressed all of his life by those who regarded himself as the superiors of him and his fellow beings, he would break the shackles of persecution, repulse his oppressors, prove his worth to a hateful world, thereby freeing the world of hate, and in the aftermath and most likely throughout his adventures make love to many lovely, swoonable ladies, who were hopefully human and willing.

“This will be a good life. Because I have never had wealth, I’ll try my hand at being wealthy; because I have never known love, I’m going to be loved; because I have never put myself out, I’m going to be surrounded by friends; because I have never read a book, in this world I’m going to know many things. The world is going to be happy because I’m going to have a happy outlook.”

It was thus a great misfortune that he was born as himself. He expected and desired so greatly a different type of life than his worst one that he considered dying again.

The world around him was lush with life. Around the plain he had been reborn in, deer capered, boar scoured for mushrooms, and insects danced happily in the air, for it was the season of growth. He felt the sensual warmth of sunshine on his belly and the soft stalks of grass flat on his feet. The air was sweet compared to the thick smoke of the city. At the end of the horizon was endless blue sky, untainted by human hands. For a moment, he paused from his despair of being born himself again and took in the joys of nature.

Nature decided then to rain. He felt the sudden downpour on his head, his stomach and his thighs. He now understood he was naked. He retreated to the shelter of a tree. This tree inhabited an insect. This insect was of a species possessing six hundred wings, a thousand eyes, and ten thousand mouths, and it possessed the same height as our hero, maybe a tree taller. Fortunately this individual was a bit smaller than the other members of his species, so it was a few inches less terrifying.

The insect startled our hero, and our hero startled the insect. The insect leapt into the mouth of a basilisk^[1], which flew into the jaws of a manticore^[2], which ran into the throat of a Mongolian death worm^[3], which slithered into the talons of a roc^[4], which escaped lest it found itself in the clutches of a bogwent^[5]. Higher it flew, gathering up immense gusts of wind, spraying water over our hero. Our hero sneezed, and felt he would die. He made up his mind then and there to make enough money to have clothing and shelter in this new world so as to stay far, far away from nature.

A band of pigs passed our hero by. The sow was wise during these storms and held an immense leaf in her snout to shield her brood from the wet. Our hero, having witnessed a lesson in the survival of the fittest, was given a choice, which he chose. He crawled on all fours and pretended he was one of the pigs, as many in his prior life called him, for he was not fit, and yet he wanted to survive.

These same pigs were caught in a trap. In the distance, shrouded by the rain, he saw three dark hunters approach them, twice as tall as our hero, and broad with muscles. Our hero gave a sigh of relief, for these three men would save him. They would free him, teach him their feral ways, he would develop abs, and he would be on his way to becoming an adventurer. He knew the god of this world was kinder than the one in the last.

The three sisters did take him to their home with the other pigs. They took a glance at our hero’s body, and was pleased by it, as a white virgin gilt was rare, and would make for an excellent sacrifice on the next new moon.